Sunday, May 4, 2014

Time to Act. Finally.

Main bahut pareshan thi. Mujhse koi ladka baat nahi karta tha, mera phone kitne kitne din tak bajta hi nahi tha. Inbox mein bhi sirf MTS customer care ke messages bhare rehte the. Main apni zindagi se bahut dukhi thi.
Phir maine Facebook par account banaya, DP ki jagah ek model ki photo lagayi aur kewl language ka istemaal karna shuru kiya. Ab main sirf Yo, Frenzzz, Guyzzz and galzzzz ka use karti thi. Log mujhse baat karne lage. Ladke mujhe fraandship requests bhejne lage, aur to aur mere last status par 52 likes bhi aye the. Main bahut achha mehsus kar rhi hu. All thanks to Facebook! (y)

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The rest of the post has almost nothing to do with those opening lines (which you have to admit you read in that exact tone.) Except for one lesson that I learnt from this otherwise nonsensical monologue of an obviously desperate girl: the importance of taking things into your own hands in order to bring significant changes into your life.

I've been in a rut these past few weeks. Nothing seems to be going right. I feel alienated. I've been lazy, laidback, morose, occasionally even sad enough to be considered depressed. My productive output has dropped to drastically low levels. And try as I may, I haven't been able to snap out of this state of limbo for weeks.

However, something just sporadically occurred to me today. You see, there's a simple explanation for this state of mine, which for some reason had been eluding me all this while. But it is clear as crystal to me now. I have involuntarily been in a self-destruct phase for a couple of months. I am a restless and energetic person by default - sitting in a place without productive activity for long makes me morose and lazy, which in turn makes me sick. It becomes a vicious circle from there - no productive activity --> sickness --> too much sleep --> laziness --> no productive activity - and so on and on it proceeds.

I think I need to do something really productive with my life, something I absolutely like doing or want to do. That way I would do some constructive work, while also keeping my mind off depressing things and keeping it all healthy and active. It should probably help me focus better on my studies too. What a brainwave! No wonder it never occurred to me for so long. I was just so busy being sick and lazy!

This is however no magic pill. It is just an effort I need to make in order to turn my life around, maybe pamper and pep myself up a bit. I was living in a shell all this time, cut off from my real world, isolated from all things that inspire me. In the field I am pursuing, it is said that the lesser number of distractions and interests you have, the better it is for your success. I think I let this perception get to my head. I completely stopped doing the things that I absolutely love doing - the only 3 things that have always given me pure joy - reading, writing and travelling.

I've had so much to write about that my blog dashboard is flooded with draft posts that never see the light of day. I also stopped taking up freelance work, so no money's been coming in and I've been scraping off of my parents for so many months (*hangs head in shame*). I've also stopped reading - after 22 entire years spent reading novels left right and centre, even in exams, on trips and in isolated corners of cafes! I feel horrible all of a sudden. I picked up Narcopolis during my Bombay trip in January, but a few tens of pages into it, I chucked it into some godforsaken corner of my bookshelf. Then followed The Lowland, only to meet the same fate. My bookshelf is overflowing with the most wonderful books, all lying there biting dust. And I haven't looked at them in ages. I'm a terrible, terrible person. No, I really am.

The travelling bit is a little trickier than that. Study schedules and health issues, as well as the lack of companionship, prevent me from hanging out or visiting places of my interest much. It's a very sad life, what these (us) civil service aspirants lead. But for better or for worse, I have very willingly and passionately chosen this field for myself and will (have to) see it through to the end, no matter how I manage to do that.

One might wonder what I do in my spare time, though, since my studies have obviously not been going well, and I am not pursuing any of my favourite activities either. Well, I guess confessions are in order tonight! So here it is - I utilize most of my spare time either playing card games in my phone, watching movies and TV serial reruns on the laptop or reading Thought Catalog (and related) articles on the Web. It's an utter waste of time, I know. But realizations don't always come in time. I realize now, what a toll my stupid lazy-ass habits have been taking on my physical and mental health. It is an addiction, all of this - games, Internet surfing and movie watching. It sucks you into its warp so hard that you cannot muster the resolve to get out of it and onto your own feet. It cripples you and lets all your creative potential go to waste.

But not anymore. Things are about to change.

(NOTE: I had gone to bed about 2 hours ago. But these thoughts kept me awake, and all of a sudden I jumped out of bed and opened the laptop to write it all down before it conveniently slips my mind tomorrow morning and I fall back into this horrible, life-wrecking rut again.)

So friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears!

For I have resolved, with effect from tonight, that I shall not watch any more movies or TV serial reruns, no matter how free or bored I am. If I do happen to get lured towards the Movies folder, I shall take the drastic step of actually deleting the folder or transferring it to an external hard drive. (Na rahega baans, na bajegi bansuri :D) I shall restrict my freecell-playing and article-reading hobbies to a bare minimum, and intersperse them between studies and other activities. Whenever I am bored or tired of studying, I shall either go for a walk or indulge in some light exercises. Most importantly, I shall devote my leisure hours to reading all of those amazing books I have stacked over the months. I also resolve to clear out all those drafts from my blogger homepage, by completing and posting them here after all. A much-needed boost to my dwindling blog activity and a creative boost to my starved mind. Two birds with one arrow, FTW!

I am also starting my freelance work again, so you will soon be seeing my posts on a well-known travel-related website (more on that, later). The creative juices are all ready and raring to flow again. I just really really wish this adrenaline rush lasts just enough time to get me started on all these life-altering lifestyle changes, before sickness takes over my body and mind again.

Until then, ciao folks, and do keep the encouraging comments coming in. They make my life just that teeny bit better, and much much happier. \(^_^)/

3 comments:

Sushmita said...

I visited your blog to see how have you added pages to your blog and I see your post. Freshly posted! Connection to aj bhi hai Madam!

And then, there are certain things that only you can tell yourself. A second person telling you these things might just be all non sense.

I am so glad to read this post Mahimaa. So glad. Especially after the last one.

Also, in your resolution, kindly add:
Whenever I am bored or tired of studying, I shall either go for a walk or indulge in some light exercises or may be contact my long lost friends.

Trust me I am always waiting. And I am always there! :)

I hope I see a lot of you here.

Sudeep Gupta said...

I myself have a couple of external hdd's overflowing with stuff that I am yet to watch and plan for buying third already! My reading list is growing way too long which I never thought was possible, as I would usually read a few books here and then, but now there it stays neglected. *sigh*

Rahul Gaba said...

Glad to read this post! And amused to see that telebrands commercials can motivate openings of such inspirational blogs too. :) Nevertheless, hope that this post (and the underlying self-realization/resolution) brings the similar life changing impact for you as the commercials pompously claim!

I recently read somewhere that human life rests on four main pillars comprised of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. Weakness in any of these may have a cascading effect on the well-being of the other, thus disturbing the balance. Good to identify root cause and thrash it, the way you have planned to do. Bravo! :)

The following lines might interest:

Udaan Waalo Udaan Par Waqt Bhaari Hai,
Paron Ki Ab Ke Nahi Hauslon Ki Baari Hai!

Main Qatraa Hoke Bhi Tuufaan Se Jang Letaa Hu
Mujhe Bachaanaa Samundar Ki Zimmedaari Hai!!