Tuesday, September 20, 2011

8 of My Worst Fears

Until recently, I used to pride over the fact that I’m not afraid of anything – ghosts, vampires, lizards, cockroaches, darkness, heights or water – just any damn thing. And then I sat down to think about what to write in this third post of The 10 Day YOU Challenge series. And it hit me – I have many fears in life. I just never classified them into that specific psychological category called “fears”. But they were present all along, some mere childish, but some more deep-rooted than I would admit. So with this post, I try to come clean with the 8 major fears that lie inside of me.

1. Right from my childhood, I’ve always feared, while moving in the darkness of night across the short passageway leading to my parents’ room, that some kind of monster or the Grinch or the once-famous three-headed witch might come and whisper in my ear or try to grab me from the back. No, you were not supposed to laugh. It isn’t technically even a fear; as I mentioned above, I don’t fear ghosts. It’s more like, I’m sure this is gonna happen some or the other day, so why don’t I walk mentally prepared as to what I’ll do when something like that swoops down upon me? You can say I’m just smart.

2. I always fear, while moving about, that my cellphone will fall down. Believe it or not, but that’s a fear very dominant in my day to day life. It has happened earlier, and it really sucks, seeing your precious phone lying on the ground divided into separate pieces. So I usually hold it in a tight grip while traveling.

3. I fear loneliness. Rather I hate it. I just can’t take it. I remember this one time during my initial days in college (the one I attended only for a month before starting with my current one) when I realized how lonely I can sometimes start to feel. It was like we were a huge group of friends who used to move together. And then one day I had some work in college and the others slowly trickled away, to the market or homewards or whatever. But it was when I suddenly needed help with something and I found no one around, that I started feeling very bad. And then I started sobbing, and tried hiding the tears, which I surprisingly failed at. So I unwillingly called up a friend. They came back and consoled me, and everything was fine, but the fact is I never quite realized why I cried at that moment. Today, I know. And I just admitted it here.

4. In some direct or indirect conjugation with the last point, I fear loss. In these mere 20 years of my life I’ve lost many a loved ones. Such is life. You love a person, be it a friend or best friend or a family member or a significant other, and then you suddenly lose them to death or misunderstandings or sometimes totally inexplicable reasons. That’s when you know what loss means, and what kind of emptiness it entails for life. I still find it hard to cope with life’s losses sometimes. And I fear having to face any more of them.

5. I fear the possible consequences of not being afraid in life. In simpler words, I am very cool about most things in life. I don’t plan my life for more than two days ahead; I take my career very coolly, rather maybe a bit too non-seriously. I believe everything will set itself right; I just tread on, doing what I have to do. It’s what keeps me sane, happy and tension-free. But I fear, this approach to life might someday prove itself to be wrong at some later point in life. I might end up with a sad job, meager salary or who knows not even that. But then again, this fear is only a latent one. If I fretted over this so much, I wouldn’t be living the kind of tension-free life I do.

6. I am always afraid of falling over the edge of the Ram/Lakshman Jhoolas into the holy water of the Ganges whenever I visit the sacred city of Rishikesh. I don’t know if it’s plain fear, or a case of realization of all the sins I’ve ever committed, thereby fearing I might be punished for them by being flung over the bridge by some unseen force into the river. Far-fetched, I know.

7. I fear losing all my good friends one day. Rather some day very soon. A few friends have been trying to convince me that this will never happen, but I can’t shake off this feeling, try as I may. I already feel distant from some of the very friends I would otherwise survive on. I just hope this fear is temporary and futile.

8. I fear the day I’ll have to be separated from my mother. I don’t know whether it’ll be harder for me or for her. But it’s the one fear that has been haunting me very regularly of late.

There, you know a very significant part of ME now. No, seriously. If you know a person's likes, secrets and fears, you can easily predict a large part of that person's character and temperament, as far as I believe. Confessing my fears took a lot of courage and self-belief. And I feel good. :)

Don't forget to share your thoughts and fears! :) And also remember to leave me the links to your 10 Day YOU Challenge posts, if you happen to write any!

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